A new found peace and frame of mind.

I don't know when it happened but I am much more at ease with things in my life. I am not worrying nearly as much. I am not focusing on the negative things that happen. I have learned to let things go and move forward, without holding onto hurt feelings. Without reading too much into a conversation. I don't know when it happened but I am definetly liking this change in my life. I have had plenty to be stressed out about lately. I have had lots of bad things happen that I could have easily focused on. I think it has to do with my prayer life, my ability to share my feelings, thoughts, concerns and wishes with God and give him my worry and fear and let him deal with it all. I have this peace that things will happen for us when the timing is right. I had a dream the other day that I had a baby, it was a girl. I can still remember how much she weighed in my dream. I still remember what we named her. I woke up feeling optimistic... not sad, depressed, etc. I am happy that my brother is healing well after the reattachment of his fingers, he is doing better than the dr's anticipated. I thank God for his quick recovery. I am hopeful that the loss of my husbands job is going to open another door that wouldn't have been open had he not lost his job. He is excited about the job he has an interview for on Monday. WE are praying that God's will be done. I could be anxious, nervous, upset about these trials going on in our life but instead I am choosing to use this time to lean on God and trust that he will see us through these difficult times. I am so thankful that I have him in my life, I can't imagine what turmoil my life would be in without him to help me see the positives in every situation. I am so happy to be in this new place where things are always put into proper perspective. We have to stop making mountains out of molehills and learn to appreciate what things we do have today!

The blessings in my life

I, like most other humans, often focus too much on what I don't have or the things in life that aren't going right. I started pondering why that is and why we rarely focus on all the positives that happen everyday. I am thankful for my two healthy boys, the fact that they are bright kids, well behaved, and they love God. I have a wonderful husband who is always complimenting me, always willing to do nice things for me, very thoughtful, hardworking, a wonderful husband, father and provider. I have siblings that are a big part of my life, they love my kids and are so much fun to be around. I have a wonderful mother. We work together and get along great, she is my best friend. I have 2 jobs and my husband has 1. We are so blessed to have jobs that give us enough money to pay our bills. That is alot more than some ppl have. WE all have our health, how odd that we don't think about our own health until we aren't feeling well or until we find out that something is wrong, then we pray for good health but we don't thank God for it when we have it. There are many things that we pray for when we want them but then we forget to be thankful for those exact things when we DO have them. Why do we seek God in the tough times but forget about him when things are going so well. Then I realized, sometimes we go through tough times because we have forgotten to give God the praise for the things he has done for us. If there weren't tough times we wouldn't recogonize that we need God. Sometimes we get ourselves into tough times because we have ignored God and his blessings. So my new goal is to wake up each morning and began the day by thanking God for all that he has done for us. I wonder how many tough times I will avoid by taking those few minutes to give my God all the praises he deserves.

My best attempt at describing infertility.

What does if feel like to be infertile?

It's like having a best friend betray you with your most private and sacred secret. YOur body is wreaking havoc in your life, it won't cooperate, it won't tell you what is really going on. It won't give in and do what you want it to do. It tricks you and plays pranks on you. Your period is late, your hopes are up you start to think that you just might be blessed with another child and then just after you take a test your period arrives and laughs in your face. It tells you, I knew you weren't pregnant all along. How could you be so stupid? Why did you even let yourself get excited? YOu are such an idiot. I really got you good this time, didn't I?

It's like having your hand up and waiting patiently for the teacher to call on you but she calls everyones name but yours. It seems like everyone is being called on, they keep getting the right answers and you can't even get the teachers attention. For some reason, no matter how much you flail your arm over your head trying to be noticed, the teacher doesn't see you. She doesn't call on you, she doesn't even seem to know you exist. Why can't she see me? Why does my name never get called? Why is it never my turn? So you try some other way to get her attention, you stand up, you jump on one foot, you raise both hands and swing them wildly around, but she looks right past you. Am I invisible? Am I even here? How come know one can see me? Hear me?

It's like Christmas morning everyone has a present to open but for some reason the tree is bare of presents and you didn't get one. YOu start to think, maybe I wasn't good enough this yr. Maybe it is hidden behind the furthest back branch, maybe someone accidentally opened your present by mistake, maybe someone forgot to put your present under the tree. You start to frantically search for your present, a package with your name on it. You pull the tree out from the corner, you lift up the tree skirt, it's not under there. Where could it be? YOu begin looking at the shredded paper on the floor, looking for a nametag that has YOUR name on it. Who opened MY present? Who took MY present? It's not fair! Everyone got a present but me. What did I do to deserve this? Why I am being punished? What did I do wrong? What did everyone else do that was right? Why am I not worthy of a gift?

How long must I wait?

God

How long must I wait on your promise? I have prayed for patience, hope, faith, for your perfect timing. How long do I wait for your answer to our prayers? When is too long? Have you given me the answer and I am just not willing to accept THAT answer. WE have held tightly to your promise, we have prayed together for the blessing of another child. We have waited as patiently as we possibly can, and still no baby. Are you trying to tell us our baby days are over? I have prayed for the desire to be taken from me if it isn't your will, but the desire still remains. I have my good days and my bad days. I have had friends complain to me that they are having a boy instead of a girl, or that they got pregnant and weren't wanting to have a child at all. Those friends don't understand the pain that their words bring to my soul. Can't they just appreciate that they are carrying a child that is a gift from God? What does it matter if they wanted a girl and got a boy instead. Doesn't God know what he is doing? Why would you question God's will? How can they say those things to me when they know how long we have tried, what we have been through, the pain we have endured? I know they don't get IT. They don't understand how this infertility feels, how much it hurts to want something so badly and not be able to have it. The uncertainty of our future. The not knowing is the worst part. If I knew that a yr from now I would be pregnant, it would make the next yr a little more endurable (is that even a word?). God, how long must we wait for a definite answer, something that would be so clear and undeniable? When will this uncertaintly end? When will this desire leave me? When will I be okay with it all? When God When?