My best attempt at describing infertility.

What does if feel like to be infertile?

It's like having a best friend betray you with your most private and sacred secret. YOur body is wreaking havoc in your life, it won't cooperate, it won't tell you what is really going on. It won't give in and do what you want it to do. It tricks you and plays pranks on you. Your period is late, your hopes are up you start to think that you just might be blessed with another child and then just after you take a test your period arrives and laughs in your face. It tells you, I knew you weren't pregnant all along. How could you be so stupid? Why did you even let yourself get excited? YOu are such an idiot. I really got you good this time, didn't I?

It's like having your hand up and waiting patiently for the teacher to call on you but she calls everyones name but yours. It seems like everyone is being called on, they keep getting the right answers and you can't even get the teachers attention. For some reason, no matter how much you flail your arm over your head trying to be noticed, the teacher doesn't see you. She doesn't call on you, she doesn't even seem to know you exist. Why can't she see me? Why does my name never get called? Why is it never my turn? So you try some other way to get her attention, you stand up, you jump on one foot, you raise both hands and swing them wildly around, but she looks right past you. Am I invisible? Am I even here? How come know one can see me? Hear me?

It's like Christmas morning everyone has a present to open but for some reason the tree is bare of presents and you didn't get one. YOu start to think, maybe I wasn't good enough this yr. Maybe it is hidden behind the furthest back branch, maybe someone accidentally opened your present by mistake, maybe someone forgot to put your present under the tree. You start to frantically search for your present, a package with your name on it. You pull the tree out from the corner, you lift up the tree skirt, it's not under there. Where could it be? YOu begin looking at the shredded paper on the floor, looking for a nametag that has YOUR name on it. Who opened MY present? Who took MY present? It's not fair! Everyone got a present but me. What did I do to deserve this? Why I am being punished? What did I do wrong? What did everyone else do that was right? Why am I not worthy of a gift?